Love Letter

TO MY DEAR WIFE: 

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. 


I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.

The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep 
22 times you had a headache 
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo 
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because: 

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished 
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

KEEP READING.......

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TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat 
36 times you did not come home at all 
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls 
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" 
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

The Very Last Gospel Tract

         Every Sunday  afternoon, after the morning service at the church, the 
Pastor and his eleven year old son would go out into their town and 
hand out Gospel Tracts. 

This particular Sunday afternoon, as it came time for the Pastor and 
his son to go to the streets with their tracts, it was very cold 
outside, as well as pouring down rain. The boy bundled up in his 
warmest and driest clothes and said; "OK dad, I'm ready." His Pastor 
dad asked, "Ready for what?" "Dad, it's time we gather our tracts 
together and go out." Dad responds, "Son, it's very cold outside and 
it's pouring down rain." 

The boy gives his dad a surprised look, asking "But Dad, aren't people 
still going to Hell, even though it's raining?" Dad answers, "Son, I 
am not going out in this weather." Despondently, the boy ask, "Dad, 
can I go? Please?" 

His father hesitated for a moment then said, "Son, you can go. Here 
are the tracts, be careful son." 
"Thanks Dad!" And with that, he was off and out into the rain. 
This eleven year old boy walked the streets of the town going door to 
door and handing everybody he met in the street a Gospel Tract. After 
two hours of walking in the rain, he was soaking, bone-chilled wet and 
down to his VERY LAST TRACT. He stopped on a corner and looked for 
someone to hand a tract to, but the streets were totally deserted. 

Then he turned toward the first home he saw and started up the 
sidewalk to the front door and rang the door bell. He rang the bell, 
but nobody answered. 
He rang it again and again, but still no one answered. 

He waited but still no answer. Finally, this eleven year old trooper 
turned to leave, but something stopped him. Again, he turned to the 
door and rang the bell and knocked loudly on the door with his fist. 

He waited, something holding him there on the front porch. He rang 
again and this time the door slowly opened. 

Standing in the doorway was a very sad-looking elderly lady. She 
softly asked "What can I do for you, son?" 

With radiant eyes and a smile that lit up her world, this little boy 
said: "Ma'am, I'm sorry if I disturbed you, but I just want to tell 
you that *JESUS REALLY DOES LOVE YOU* and I came to give you my very 
last Gospel Tract which will tell you all about JESUS and His great 
LOVE." 

With that, he handed her his last tract and turned to leave. 

She called to him as he departed. "Thank you, son! 
And God Bless You!" 

Well, the following Sunday morning in church Pastor Dad was in the 
pulpit. As the service began, he asked, "Does anybody have testimony 
or want to say anything?" 
Slowly, in the back row of the church, an elderly lady stood to her 
feet. 

As she began to speak, a look of glorious radiance came from her face, 
"No one in this church knows me. 
I've never been here before. You see, before last Sunday I was not a 
Christian. My husband passed on some time ago, leaving me totally 
alone in this world. 

Last Sunday, being a particularly cold and rainy day, it was even more 
so in my heart that I came to the 

end of the line where I no longer had any hope or will to live. So I 
took a rope and a chair and ascended the stairway into the attic of my 
home. I fastened the rope securely to a rafter in the roof, then stood 
on the chair and fastened the other end of the rope around my neck. 

Standing on that chair, so lonely and brokenhearted I was about to 
leap off, when suddenly the loud ringing of my doorbell downstairs 
startled me. I thought, "I'll wait a minute, and whoever it is will go 
away." 
I waited and waited, but the ringing doorbell seemed to get louder and 
more insistent, and then the person ringing also started knocking 
loudly. 

I thought to myself again, "Who on earth could this be? Nobody ever 
rings my bell or comes to see me." 

I loosened the rope from my neck and started for the front door, all 
the while the bell rang louder and louder. When I opened the door and 
looked I could hardly believe my eyes, for there on my front porch was 
the most radiant and angelic little boy I had ever seen in my life. 

His SMILE, oh, I could never describe it to you! The words that came 
from his mouth caused my heart that had long been dead,TO LEAP TO LIFE 
as he exclaimed with a cherub-like voice, "*Ma'am, I just came to tell 
you that JESUS REALLY DOES LOVE YOU*." Then he gave me this Gospel 
Tract that I now hold in my hand. 

As the little angel disappeared back out into the cold and rain, I 
closed my door and read slowly every word of this Gospel Tract. Then I 
went up to my attic to get my rope and chair. I wouldn't be needing 
them any more. 

You see "I am now a Happy Child of the KING. 

Since the address of your church was on the back of this Gospel Tract; 
I have come here to personally say THANK YOU TO God's little angel who 
came just in the nick of time and by so doing, spared my soul from 
eternity in hell." 

There was not a dry eye in the church. And as shouts of praise and 
honor to THE KING resounded off the very rafters of the building. 

Pastor Dad descended from the pulpit to the front pew where the little 
angel was seated. He took his son in his arms and sobbed 
uncontrollably. 

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Life Lessons:

Probably no church has had a more glorious moment, and probably this 
universe has never seen a Papa that was more filled with love & honor 
for his son... Except for One. This Father also allowed His Son to go 
out into a cold and dark world. He received His Son back with joy 
unspeakable, and as all of heaven Shouted praises and honor to The 
King, the Father sat His beloved Son on a throne far above all 
principality and power and every name that is named. 

Escaped Convict

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years 
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, 
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”

Cross

A young man was at the end of his rope, seeing no way out, he dropped to his knees in prayer 

"Lord, I can't go on," he said. "I have too heavy a cross to bear." 

The Lord replied, "My son, if you can't bear its weight, just place your cross inside this room. 

Then, open that other door and pick out any cross you wish." 

The man was filled with relief and said, "Thank you Lord," and he did as he was told. 

Upon entering the other room, he saw many crosses; some so large the tops were not visible. Then, he spotted a tiny cross leaning against a far wall. 

"I'd like that one, Lord," he whispered. The Lord replied, "My son, that is the cross you just brought in." 


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Life Lessons: 


When life's problems seem overwhelming, it helps to look around and see what other people are coping with. You may consider yourself far more fortunate than you imagined. 


YOUR CROSS 

Whatever your cross 
Whatever your pain 
There will always be sunshine 
After the rain 

Perhaps you may stumble 
Perhaps even fall 
But God's always there 
To help you through it all 

Passbook

She married him today.
At the end of the wedding party, her mother gave her a newly opened bank savings passbook, with $1000 deposited in it.
She told her, "My dear daughter, take this passbook. Keep it as a record of your married life. Whenever something happy and memorable happens in your new life, put some money in. Write down what it's about next to the amount. The more memorable the event is, the more money you can put in. I've done the first one for you today. Do the others with your husband. When you look back after years, you will know how much happiness you've both shared.'

She shared this with him after getting home. Both of them thought it was a great idea and couldn't wait to make the next deposit! This is what the passbook looked like after a while:

- 7 Feb: $100, his first birthday celebration after marriage
- 1 Mar: $300, she gets a salary raise
- 20 Mar: $200, vacation to Bali
- 15 Apr: $2000, She's pregnant!
- 1 Jun: $1000, He gets the big promotion
and so on...

However, as the years went by, they began fighting and arguing over trivial things. They didn't talk much. They regretted that they had married the most nasty person in the world...There was no more love.

One day she talked to her Mother. 'Mom, we can't stand it anymore. We have decided to divorce. I can't imagine how I decided to marry this guy!'

Her mother replied, 'Sure, that's no big deal. Just do whatever you want, if you really can't stand it. But before that, do one thing. Remember the savings passbook I gave you on your wedding day? Take out all money and spend it first. You shouldn't keep any record of such a poor marriage.'

She agreed with her. So she went to the bank, and was waiting in the queue to cancel the account. While she was waiting, she took a look at the passbook record. She looked, and looked, and looked. Then the memory of all the previous joyful moments came back to her. Her eyes were filled with tears. She left and went home.

When she got home, she handed the passbook to him and asked him to spend the money before getting divorced.

So the next day, he went to the bank, and was waiting in the queue to cancel the account. While he was waiting, he took a look at the passbook record. He looked, and looked, and looked. Then the memory of all the previous joyful moments came back to him. His eyes were filled with tears. He left and went home.

He gave the passbook back to her. She found a new deposit of $5000. And a line next to the record: 'This is the day I realized how much I've loved you throughout all these years. How much happiness you've brought me.'

They hugged and cried, putting the passbook back into the safe.

Bamboo

One Day I Decided To Quit

One day I decided to quit...I quit my job, my
relationship, my
Spirituality... I wanted to quit my life. I went to
the woods to
have one last talk with God. "God", I said. "Can you
give me one good
reason not to quit?" His answer surprised me...

"Look around", He said. "Do you see the fern and the
bamboo?"

"Yes", I replied.

"When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I took
very good care
of them. I gave them light. I gave them water. The
fern quickly grew
from the earth. Its brilliant green covered the floor.
Yet nothing
came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the
bamboo. In the
second year the Fern grew more vibrant and plentiful.
And again,
nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit
on the bamboo."
He said.

"In year three there was still nothing from the bamboo
seed. But I
would not quit. In year four, again, there was nothing
from the bamboo
seed. I would not quit." He said.

"Then in the fifth year a tiny sprout emerged from the
earth.
Compared to the fern it was seemingly small and
insignificant...But
just 6 months later the bamboo rose to over 100 feet
tall. It had
spent the five years growing roots. Those roots made
it strong and
gave it what it needed to survive. I would not give
any of my
creations a challenge it could not handle." He said to
me.

"Did you know, my child, that all this time you have
been struggling,
  you have actually been growing roots?"

"I would not quit on the bamboo. I will never quit on
you."

"Don't compare yourself to others." He said. "The
bamboo had a
different purpose than the fern. Yet they both make
the forest 
beautiful."

"Your time will come", God said to me. "You will rise
high"

"How high should I rise?" I asked.

"How high will the bamboo rise?" He asked in return.

"As high as it can?" I questioned

"Yes." He said, "Give me glory by rising as high as
you can."

I left the forest and bring back this story. I hope
these words can
help you see that God will never give up on you.

Two Angels

Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a
wealthy family. The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the  mansion's guest room. Instead the angels were given a small space in the cold
basement.  As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a 
hole in the wall and repaired it.  When the younger angel asked why, the older
angel replied,  "Things aren't always what they  seem."

The next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but very
hospitable farmer and his wife.  After sharing what little food they had, the
couple let the angels sleep in their bed where they could have a good night's
rest.  When the sun came up the next morning the angels found the farmer  
and his wife in tears. Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole income,
lay dead in the field. The younger angel was infuriated and asked the older angel how could you have let  this happen?

  The first man had everything, yet you helped him, she accused. The second
family had little but was willing to share everything, and you let the cow die.

"Things aren't always what they seem," the older angel replied. "When we
 stayed in the basement of the mansion, I noticed there was gold stored in 
that hole in the wall.  Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and
unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the wall so he wouldn't find it."

"Then last night as we slept in the farmers bed, the angel of death came for
his wife.  I gave him the cow instead.

  Things aren't always what they seem."

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Life Lessons: 

Sometimes that is exactly what happens when things don't turn out the way
they should.  If you have faith, you just need to trust that every outcome is
always to your advantage. You just might not know it until   some time later . .